Losing a close friend or family member is tough. The pain is excruciating! Tougher still is the unthinkable statements rattled off in those awkward moments of silence because we don’t know what to say or how to say it. We tend to think we HAVE TO say something,…but DO WE? Silence can be golden in moments like these.
We are often caught off guard. Our thoughts quickly become jumbled as we scramble for the right words to say: What do I say when I see them? What if I say the wrong thing? The more we fumble over these questions in light of our own discomfort, the greater our chance of blurting out something we will regret that could mindlessly wound our friends or loved ones.
The last question is vital, because it happens. And, far—far too much. The last thing in the world a friend or family member needs to hear when they are grieving the shock and loss of someone they love, is an insensitive—thoughtless comment that adds to the weight of the pain they already feel, plunging them deeper into despair.
If we haven’t yet been faced with a friend or family member losing someone close to them, be assured, it will happen soon enough. It will come, whether we like it or not, and it will likely hit us like a ton of bricks. And it will be awkward. We won’t have the slightest inclination as to what to say to our grieving friend or family member.
As we are faced with placing that difficult phone call or taking a meal to a friend or family member to help to lighten their load in the midst of their despair, it’s important our ducks (words) are all in a nice, neat row. We need to acknowledge them, offer our support, and give them our condolences. Desiring to say the right thing while not compounding their grief is simply a show of compassion and sensitivity. Having a few choice words of instruction to direct our response to someone dear to us who is grieving is wisdom. It will serve us well for many years to come.
Having been on both ends of the spectrum, I’ve learned some crucial lessons, I think will benefit you greatly and maybe take at least some of the “awkward” out of the moment. I’d first like to address a few things NOT to say, that I have heard over and over again. It seems that the majority of us struggle profusely in moments of awkward silence unless we were born sensitive.
DON’T SAY OR OFFER:
Platitudes such as:
“God never gives us more than we can bear. He must have thought you could handle this!”
Because honestly, God always gives us more than we can bear. There would never be a need to depend on God and his strength if we could handle everything in our own human strength. Now, is not the time to throw out this platitude. A grieving individual does not need scriptures thrown at them. They need the warmth of our love. Our presence. So for the sake of all things holy, please—please don’t say this to your friend or family member!
“It must have been God’s will or…it WAS God’s will!
I know many, many people that believe that everything that happens in this world is God’s doing. And it’s the biggest bunch of malarkey I have ever heard. This statement seriously makes people HATE God. How is that fair to them? When my Dad passed away from lung cancer, I was told it was GOD’S WILL. Hmmmmm? Was God forcing my Dad to smoke 2 1/2 packs of cigarettes each day that finally took its toll on his lungs? NO! NO! NO! (I will also tell you, when I sought God about this, what He told me comforted me, it was also not remotely close to what I was told). Puleeeaaase? Do not tell anyone that’s lost a loved one, “It must have been God’s will!”
“Our days are numbered on this earth. It must have been his or her time to go.”
I understand how people come to this conclusion, but we must interpret scripture with scripture. We can’t pull one or two scriptures out of the Bible and build a doctrine out them. Over my many years of being a Christian, I believe we live in a fallen world, one in which life happens! Drunk drivers get behind the wheel of their cars and kill innocent people. Unthinkable accidents happen every where. Small children drowned in swimming pools. God didn’t take any of their lives. If someone is hit and killed by a drunk driver, God didn’t force that person to get behind the wheel and drive while intoxicated. That was his/her own foolishness that took a life, or several because of their impairment. Accidents are called Accidents for a reason. They happen. And, unfortunately they happen at the expense of another, sometimes a small child or maybe a whole family. So, for your loved one or your friends sake, PLEASE DON’T tell them this! (Even if you think it)…
“Everything happens for a reason.”
I’ve literally heard this one so many times it’s like a broken record on repeat! This is another platitude. In moments like these we are desperately trying to make sense of the tragedy ourselves, so we quickly rattle off these words, leaving our poor friend grappling for the REASON WHY their loved one died and its nothing short of the worst torment imaginable. Trust me, this one is better left unsaid.
If by chance a small child’s life was lost, people often say:
“God must have needed that little angel up in heaven.”
That’s another crock of you-know-what. God doesn’t NEED anything. HE’S GOD, after all. Last I knew He created the world on his own. He has it all. He owns it all. And He’s not down here playing Russian Roulette with our lives on earth trying to decide who’s going to heaven next because He needed another angel up in heaven! Another platitude better left unsaid.
“I know how you feel.”
For gosh sakes, if you haven’t been through what the person you are talking to just went through, please don’t say, “I know how you feel,” because if you haven’t been through it, you don’t. And trust me, they will know and sense the insincerity. Deep down, this statement uttered out of our mouths could cause them to resent us. I tell people often in my Inner Healing Ministry, “I haven’t been through what you’ve been through so I can’t say, “I know how you feel,” but what I can tell you is that I have experienced lots and lots of pain. I can relate to your pain based on all of the pain I’ve experienced.” This brings comfort, not resentment.
Finally, DON’T SAY:
“Call me if you need anything or need to talk,” if you aren’t sincere.
Frankly, this is one of the biggest cop outs ever. We’ve all done it, myself included—but in essence, this could be saying, “I hope you won’t need anything, but when and if you do call, I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it,” and we’ll have an excuse if it happens to be an inconvenience when they call asking for help or need to talk. (And of course, I know this isn’t all encompassing. There are exceptions to every rule. Maybe you spoke these words in innocent sincerity)…
People who are grieving are grieving. They isolate. They are so steeped in pain, calling to ask for help is the furthest thing from their minds. They are riddled with reliving the memories with their deceased loved one. Their last phone call. Their last memory. Their last words. They could be struggling with guilt, (especially if the death was a suicide). They could be so depressed and imprisoned by their own pain, that seeing and thinking clearly and coherently is not happening.
So what do we do next?
DEFINE THE NEED AND DETERMINE TO MEET IT.
To the best of your ability, find out food preferences and food allergies (if any). Take meals or arrange several weeks of meals with a few families. Grieving people struggle getting out of bed each day. For some, cooking is a chore. Meals are a God send. If you don’t like to cook, buy a frozen casserole of some sort you know is tasty (Lasagna, etc…), a loaf of french bread and a salad. Add dessert if you feel energetic.
Offer to help with house work, run errands, or offer to do their laundry. Do anything that will take the stress and pressure off of the one grieving, so that their mental energy can be focused on grieving in a healthy manner, especially during the first several weeks.
When you are faced with your friend or loved one immediately after their loss, the BEST and most CARING thing you can do it: BE THERE. Tell them you are sorry for their loss. Resist the inclination to FIX the situation, which often brings with it the temptation to SAY TOO MUCH. Say very little, especially when you are feeling uncomfortable. Especially THEN!
GIVE LOTS OF HUGS IF THEY’RE OPEN. Let them cry, cry ad cry some more. Hold them.
LISTEN. LISTEN. LISTEN. Be a listening ear. Resist the need to talk during a time when words are inadequate anyway. Let them share their memories of their loved one, whenever the need strikes, even when it’s not convenient.
Call them as often as they come to mind to see how they’re doing and LISTEN SOME MORE. Pray often for God’s comfort when you think of them!
As they grow comfortable with your presence, and you feel you have defined their greatest needs and continue to meet them, when they have opened up and they can clearly see you care, you can ask them specifics on how you might best meet their needs. By now, they may be able to see clearly and have a partial handle on what would be most helpful to them. When you’ve done all of this, start at the beginning…
We are given two ears and one mouth for a reason. LISTENING twice as much as we speak has it’s perks:
Less problems.
Less grief.
Less heartache.
Less time spent picking pieces of the soles of our shoes out of our mouths.
And Lighter Hearts…as they work through the difficult days of grief.
