Who in the world created dental floss underwear anyway? You know what I’m talking about! The notorious small swatch covers with strings called “THONGS”? And why? What were they thinking?
I remember many years ago when my daughter and daughter-in-law thought I should become a member of the dental floss club. It was a unanimous agreement clear back ‘in the day!’ I’m still unsure what the big rave was about? Free wheeling it? Letting it all hang loose? No restraints? Did they think these undergarments were somehow cool and I needed to experience them so I could be cool too?
I invested in a few pairs out of pure unadulterated peer pressure! Well, I have news for you….That last pair just hit the trash can with a slam dunk. Good riddens you teeny tiny swatch of cotton attached to dental floss! You’ve failed my litmus test and ya ain’t comin’ back!
Let’s think about something for a moment, shall we? Some of these young chicks have smooth buttocks. Maybe they don’t yet know the meaning of cellulite or have never experienced it. They can throw on a pair of leggings with a scant bit of support and no one will have a clue. But many of us middle-agers… that’s a whole nother story! There’s lumps, bumps, pooches and pouches all over the bootie line. There ain’t no hiding nasty. And forget loofahs and coffee ground facials! Contrary to popular belief, they don’t work!
Now I’m gonna get crude here in my blogging kitchen! Here’s your warning to bow out right here and now if you can’t take the heat….
What pray tell about Flatulence? WHAT THEN?
Where’s the protection when one of those baby’s slip out hook, line and sinker? There’s no barrier, absolutely no protective measure… to block that blast of air leaving the tunnel and hitting midair for everyone and his brother to partake in. It done made a mad entrance lickety split, without a single layer of nothingness to keep it contained! It’s already lofting through the air for all to inhale, like it or not.
And I’m here to tell ya, we middle agers,… we know exactly what we’re talking about. It doesn’t matter where ’ya are! There ain’t no containing it.
Back fifteen years ago, honey and I use to go on a weekly date night, have a nice dinner and then hit up Wally World. I have no unearthly clue why that was a thing with us? Grab a cart and…. Well, you know right where I’m goin’ with this…
I probably had on a pair of nothingness that night, and I came around the corner of one aisle and went up another. That’s when the kraken was released! That uninvited nasty escaped making a full on debut! I booked it outa that area and practically took off running so no one in that vicinity would know I was the guilty party. Unfortunately, I was within an ears shot of a lady coming around the corner with her cart! She ran smack dab into that magnanimous crop dusting that had escaped my practically non-existent dental floss barrier. First words out of her mouth when the stench hit her in the face was WWWHHHHEEEEEW–WHEEEEEE. By then, I started the 20-yard-dash to the opposite side of the store giggling uncontrollably and mumbling, WHO MEEEEEE? I DON’T KNOW THAT WOMEN. WHY, WE’RE NOT EVEN RELATED! I WOULD N-E-V-E-R!
Another thing us middle agers have to deal with are “dribbles” when the keagle exercises failed big. They say there’s silicone for that now, but anyway, that’s besides the point, what then?
And I’m not gonna lie, I am offended by Dental Floss Swim suits that leave nothing to the imagination. I have a teenaged gal that lives across the lake from us, and I’m pretty sure she’s a certified exhibitionist. She comes out of the house and prances around like a beauty queen, without even a wee bit of modesty. She seems to be mighty proud of her package and wants everyone within eye shot of her on our lake to know about it. She may as well stand there and do full-blown cal-esthetics for all to see. Maybe she should take sign ups for classes right in her own backyard so they can all prance around together like porn stars.
So, I just gave you a full-on lengthy consumer testing and review of dental floss undies. If you wear them and like them, more power to ya. My trash can is still in full view and my pretty little silky black pair is heading to the dump on garbage day and there’s not one tear being shed, …Not Now, Not Ever!
