I believe THREE OF THE GREATEST NEEDS IN PEOPLES LIVES are to be LOVED, ACCEPTED and SUPPORTED! While most find that support in FAMILY, some have found such support through FRIENDS, whom they call their Chosen Family!
Every now and then someone has shared something so profound-yet so simple and impactful with me, I’ve never forgotten it! It’s one of those wise statements that plays over and over again in our minds, and changes our lives so profusely and tangibly, we are never the same! A friend in Albuquerque rocked my world with this quote: “There are two types of people in our lives; those who celebrate our lives and those who don’t. Surround yourself with those who do. They are the only ones that really matter!”
So. Simple. and. Yet. So. Profound.
The truth is, those who don’t support us, encourage us and thereby strengthen us, are of absolutely no benefit to us and are actually harmful to our well being mentally, emotionally, and even physically. Furthermore, what in the world should we do if these individuals are in our family? I will address that later on in this blog post. (Stay with me)!
We are mind, body and soul, and so every single solitary part of us is affected adversely by those who are not committed to supporting and encouraging us, which in turn strengthens us! Rejection from others, whether from envy and jealousy, misunderstanding’s and miscommunications, assumptions, unresolved unforgiveness or bitterness that they hold, no matter how you slice it, is PAINFUL. Though I’ve heard it said from more than one person…If we know someone is jealous of us, causing these individuals to spew bitter comments, BE FLATTERED…, I’ve not found a single shred of comfort in it. And ESPECIALLY if these individuals are family members. Instead, I’ve felt a DEEP, ABIDING SADNESS that the very ones who are suppose to love and support us and be a part of our TEAM, are not. To make matters worse, when these individuals are engaged in back biting, stirring the proverbial GOSSIP POT, tearing their loved ones down, few things are more damaging to the ones that have to endure the aftermath of these toxic behaviors. It does nothing but bring division and sadness. It behooves me to ponder how a family member could be so grossly insecure that they struggle so profusely simply being able to be happy for others and commenting kindly and lovingly on Social Media, Texts, in Letters, Chats and even on the phone. Oh, the profuse impact of a kind word, even when a derogatory remark may be bubbling beneath the surface. “Faking it until you make it” is a THING!
Being trained and certified to help individuals through Life Coaching and Inner Healing the past twenty-five years, has wrought a host of learning experiences. (And folks, even as one who has been helping others all of these years, does not mean I’m not still learning and growing — or perfect)! But, witnessing the toxic traits that many of these individuals have had to deal with in others and those they’ve had to change within themselves is unprecedented.
The infamous Website—WebMD, states that if you are dealing with someone who is difficult that causes a lot of conflict in your life, chances are you are dealing with a toxic person. These individuals are masters at creating stress, unpleasantness, and emotional and physical pain. They cause distress in others feelings and their lives through negative words and action.
Furthermore, when we inquire lovingly by kindly approaching them to discuss the issues at hand, simply desiring to know WHY they are acting a certain way and they are unwilling to discuss it, it’s more than likely—time to move on. (And I might add, I personally never give up believing that whatever is troubling them will be brought to the surface so that the issues can be resolved. Holding out hope that they may change, and giving them the benefit of the doubt, is the most beautiful kind of grace we can extend).
Quite honestly, most people who are toxic have no idea that they are. Many have been operating in the same negative traits for years, and don’t have the slightest clue how to find their way out of them.
Countless times I’ve heard of the holidays being something many endure for the sake of keeping cohesiveness in the family. Sometimes thats with immediate family, but more often than not, it seems to be with “extended family.”
I don’t want to belabor the subject of toxicity, as there are literally myriads of articles on the web relating to this subject that can be readily found.
Something I do want to address however, is BOUNDARIES! One of the best book I’ve ever read on how to set healthy boundaries is a NEW YORK TIMES BEST SELLER by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, To Take Control of Your Life. Families are screaming for boundaries to be set in order to bring order. If you’ve ever known a kid that wasn’t disciplined lovingly in his family like others, they actually crave it! Healthy boundaries not only bring order, they also bring a sense of security from running amok. (Sometime I’ll share the kids playground analogy regarding this—it’s so life giving)!
When I learned to set boundaries, I guar-an-darn-tee-ya, it was not easy! Those that aren’t used to boundaries being set with them will scream bloody murder, quickly turn the whole shebang onto you, turn people against you and make you out to be the bad guy! Well, if THAT doesn’t sound like a PICNIC, I don’t know what does?! Come on now? Do a HAPPY Dance! It’s gonna get better…
Learning to set Healthy Boundaries will be one of the GREATEST things you’ve ever done for your mental health, and I’m not even kidding! In the big scope of things and in the long run, most people will respect you more for setting a boundary with them and then sticking to your guns by following through!
Now, I’m going to make myself vulnerable with you all. I just had to block several extended family members on none other than Facebook! I set my boundaries and stated my case with two of the leaders of the pack, and I saw very little movement after several months. And it was time. I’m still holding out hope, but the long and the short of it is….I have to be okay with it, and move forward with my head held high, if no response comes down the pike.
I Drummed Up the Courage and then, I DID IT! I HIT THE BLOCK BUTTON! And I cried like a baby. And then I felt a RELEASE, and PEACE finally came rushing in flooding my soul.
If you need to set some healthy boundaries, with those individuals whom are toxic in your life, please order the book! It’ll set you FREE. It’ll strengthen you. You’ll finally be able to say: I JUST TOOK CONTROL OF MY LIFE…I JUST TOOK A STAND AGAINST TOXICITY!
And you’ll finally start breathing a little freer! You Mark My Words!
