This blog goes out to every single person in the Universe that hasn’t felt seen or heard in your childhood and/or your adult life. Do any of you relate?
I want you to know, I SEE YOU! More Importantly, the God of the Universe Sees You! I’m going to take a little detour here, but hold on, I have so much more to say about the fact that YOU ARE IMPORTANT and that YOUR FEELINGS MATTER!
My husband and I were traveling home from having a wonderful Easter Weekend with our Daughter, Son-in-law, our Beautiful 4-year-old Granddaughter and 6-month-old Grandson. What a joyous time! Road trips are great for extended, deep conversations.
We got to talking about an instance when I had to set a huge boundary with a person. I honestly didn’t realize how much emotion was attached to it until my husband Gary and I got to talking about it! I suddenly realized I have some more healing to do and I’m on that road NOW, as we speak!
Let’s just say, this particular person I had to set the boundary with had never, in her entire life, EVER HAD ANYONE STAND UP TO HER, CONFRONT HER REGARDING HER ABUSIVE ACTIONS, AND/OR SET A BOUNDARY WITH HER, THAT I AM AWARE OF. (Her own family did not feel comfortable crossing her or confronting her, out of full blown FEAR).
I won’t go into too many of the gory details … but rest assured, you’ll get the gist of it. An individual called a member of my family—madder than a hornet “on steroids,” because he neglected calling her to let her know about a family event that took place. When the phone was handed to him, the “said person” was literally yelling at the top of her lungs. It was so LOUD that several of us in the same room heard every word…V.E.R.B.A.T.I.M! (Our loved one happened to be depressed and suicidal at the time, so let’s just say, I knew I couldn’t ignore this action orchestrated and driven by anger and control). It was NOT OKAY!
Friends, this was a touchy situation on so many levels. Many I suppose would have swept it under the rug and not dealt with it. Because…after all, not rocking the boat is just easier than dealing with a FALL OUT. But, seriously now, is that healthy? (Some of you have likely started reading my three blogs on Suicide I have written. I will be addressing all of the suicides in my family, in hopes of helping others that may struggle with depression or suicidal thoughts). Anyway, to say “It’s an extremely sensitive and touchy subject for me” is probably an UNDERSTATEMENT! My mom committed suicide in ‘97 and I will do everything within my power to protect my living loved ones and keep communication lines open regarding this subject!
I discussed my feelings with my husband and he was on board with me confronting this issue with this individual. (I rarely do anything without first consulting my husband, Gary. Two heads are always better than one and per the Bible: “There’s Wisdom in a Multitude of Counsel!” I immediately started praying for wisdom on how to approach this reactive abuse towards my loved one with as much finesse, kindness and gentleness as I could possibly muster. Then I did it. I wrote a letter and addressed the issue at hand. (Now, it occurred to me after the fact that a phone call may have been more effective. However, given the reaction, I’m about to share, it probably wouldn’t have mattered either way).
I’ve learned over the years that when we give “Constructive Feedback,” set a boundary, or whatever it may be, it is most effective when sandwiched between a lot of affirmation. So that’s exactly how I worded my letter…with love, care and concern.
However, when this individual got the letter, every bit of finesse, kindness and gentleness went out the damn window and the S _ _ T——-hit the fan! I got raked across the coals till my nose was glowing bright red like a poker pulled out of a red hot fire place. It turned charcoal BLACK and was still smokin’ when I picked myself up off of the floor. Everybody in this person’s family got the news of “MY HORRIFIC LETTER” and my ARSE was Grass with a capital “G!”
Do I regret confronting this issue given the fall out? NOPE! I prayed about it, counseled with my husband regarding it, and wrote the letter with as much love and respect as humanly possible. The fact that it was not received, isn’t surprising given the fact that this individual had never had a boundary set with them. Am I sorry that this individual did not receive it? Of course I am. There’s room for growth in ALL of our lives: Young, Middle Aged, and Seniors. None of us ever stopping growing IF we are willing to be taught. You’ve probably heard the quote: “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear!” Obviously the student WAS NOT ready. Nothing else can be said except, LIFE HAPPENS!
Not long ago, this subject was broached with me by a person that does not understand the gamut of suicides in my family and how deeply they affected me. There were eight to be exact, and the trauma of each one of them affected me horribly, even though one happened before I was born. (And for the record, I do not consider myself a victim. Though the suicides have affected me adversely, I have every intention of using them to help others)!
There are truly TWO SIDES TO EVERY STORY. (I addressed this in another blog). Please, please do not JUDGE a situation or person without a proper understanding of BOTH SIDES?! It will never, ever be fair to get only one side of a story. And folks, without prior knowledge and fully understanding both sides of a situation, some circumstances, situations and happenings are best left alone if you haven’t taken the time to understand clearly what BOTH parties have to say. Giving each person or persons the opportunity to share their side of the story shows immense honor and respect.
I’m so very grateful for everything I learned through this trial! I learned that many families are CODEPENDENT. (This is not to condemn anyone). But so many issues within family units are not dealt with. Listen, these issues do not magically go away and if not dealt with, they will come out in other ways, and it likely won’t be pretty….Sweeping issues under the rug rather than dealing with them head on, is not healthy. You see, the person that yelled at my family member at the top of her lungs when he was suicidal had gotten away with it for YEARS. It was never addressed. Because there was no intervention when these unhealthy reactions were taking place, she gained power, and the problem and blow ups got increasingly worse. Had this issue been dealt with properly, it would have saved a whole lot of heartache for their family, but also for us.
SILENCE CAN BE SO DAMAGING! It’s also a horrendous disservice to those who need loving confrontation! Taking the time to confront a loved one when their actions are unacceptable is paramount, not just for the sake of others, but also for their sakes personally. We can learn from other family member’s who have our best interest at heart. We can also learn from good friends and society in general, from those who are healthy and trained.
Some families don’t communicate, and some have unspoken rules regarding confronting family members who are operating in unhealthy habits. Don’t say anything to MOM…She’ll hit the roof! Don’t ever confront Uncle Bob or you’ll never hear the end of it!
I know of a boy whom I will call “Mitchell,” whom was never told he was loved while growing up. (My own Mother never heard those three words from her father until he was EIGHTY-YEARS-OLD)! Can you imagine the gross insecurity this deficit would cause in any child? Can you imagine a child not feeling loved through all of their growing up years? Read the story of Karen Carpenter, a multi-talented singer who had many hit songs from 1968-1983 whose own mother NEVER TOLD HER SHE LOVED HER. N.E.V.E.R! Karen collapsed in her bedroom in her parents home at the young age of 32 from Anorexia Nervosa and a few other complications on February 4, 1983. No one will ever tell me Karen didn’t also DIE from a BROKEN HEART!
The young boy Mitchell—not being told he was loved also produced a gross insecurity in him. His siblings “seemed” to get by just fine without the verbal expressions of love, but Mitch grew up deeply insecure because of it. When he brought it up to his family, he was ridiculed for “feeling” this way, especially from his older siblings. Mitchell’s parents weren’t too happy either. They weren’t comfortable talking about their feelings. They were a classic codependent family, where feelings weren’t addressed, issues were swept under the rug, excuses were made and no one was confronted when needed, even when necessary for growth purposes.
When we were traveling back from Albuquerque, my heart began to break… How many grown adults have grown up in homes where issues weren’t dealt with in a healthy manner? How many weren’t allowed to communicate their feelings, but instead had to repress them? How many weren’t told they were loved but were expected to simply KNOW that because they had food to eat and clothes to wear? I’m not discounting provision, but communication and verbalizing I LOVE YOU is essential to health. It’s like water. We have to have it to LIVE HEALTHY & SECURE LIVES. Knowing we are loved through hearing it verbalized is CRUCIAL for becoming healthy adults.
If you fall into any of these categories, I’m here to tell that you that YOU MATTER! YOUR FEELINGS matter. And they MATTER to the God of the Universe!
If you grew up in a home where you couldn’t share your feelings… if you grew up in a home where the rule was “Children are to be seen and not heard,”…where you weren’t listened to and made to feel you mattered, my heart goes out to you! Can I just say I am truly sorry if you had to repress your feelings because sharing your feelings when you felt hurt by other children or adults was unacceptable. Or the times when you were frightened and made to feel it was unacceptable to show vulnerability when you were fearful. I’m truly sorry!
For boys or girls that are told, “Big boys/girls don’t cry!” And instead you were taught “to keep a stiff upper lip and pretend it’s freakin’ okay when it’s anything but…”! I’m so sorry! It’s not okay you weren’t heard. You weren’t acknowledged! That your feelings didn’t matter!
YOU ARE VALUABLE! YOU ARE A IMPORTANT. You mattered THEN… And YOU MATTER NOW! Even if you didn’t/don’t feel it now. YOU ARE VALUABLE AND YOU MATTER!
I think of the Movie, “THE HELP”: “You is smart. You is kind, You is important!” And YOU ARE all of these things and more right here, right now!
You are WORTH IT! You are worth EVERYTHING! And YOU and YOUR feelings matter today, tomorrow and forever. (Please consider seeking counseling if you were not allowed to share your feelings growing up, or even now, as an adult. It’s never too late to learn healthy habits). Besides, you’re worth it. And releasing pent up emotions that you’ve been carrying around for years is so necessary for your health. Trust me, you are going to feel like the weight of the world has lifted off of your shoulders when you start talking about your feelings that you couldn’t address as a child or adult.
YOU ARE SEEN. YOU ARE HEARD! I love you, and the God of the Universe loves you! Take that in! Breathe it in NOW…
You Deserve the World!
I
